Whore Du Jour

Ok, so today’s WDJ isn’t actually a whore at all, but he is selling sex. Bart is a freelancer who makes the bulk of his living writing erotic fiction, escort ads, and porn site copy like “Are you a horny motherfucker? Do you think you have what it takes to be the porkiest piggy in the pen? When you upload your photo, every hairy bear, kinky twink and cocksucking cumdump will get to vote on whether you're hot or not. Just push out your pecs, fluff up your cock, scrub your hole and show us what you've got!“

The man behind your last orgasm answers a few questions for the woman behind your next below.


1. What do you do for a living?

I'm a freelance writer. A large part of my business is writing porn, mostly gay porn, even though I'm straight. What that most often entails is writing dirty spam type emails, writing the web copy for porn sites, creating the taglines, etc. For the past three months I've been working on a series of Gay Guides to various cities, where I research and find out which bars have the dirtiest back rooms, which parks guys can cruise for anonymous sex, what beaches are nude and gay friendly, what parts of town you are mostly likely to pick up dudes in, what parts of town are unsafe or anti gay and, depending on the city, if the AIDS rates are high.

For example, when I wrote about Rio, I had to put in a section saying “HIV rates are very fucking high here, use condoms for everything.” Strangely, I had to put the same disclaimer in the Dallas guide “because Dallas has one of the highest rates of infection for gay dudes,” much higher than San Francisco or New York. I have done some straight porn and even lesbian porn, but the gay stuff pays much better. I spent about two years writing a series of erotic gay fiction about a dude who comes out of the closet in college and then becomes addicted to unprotected gay sex.

2. How did you get into it?

My first porn job was actually silly. I live in France and when I first moved here I met a British guy in one of the local pubs and we got to talking. It turned out that he was creating some straight phone sex ads. I went to his apartment and he showed me the pictures he had been told to use and asked me if I had any tagline ideas. There was this one picture of a cute topless girl. And I said why not put “Come Here Often?” right over her tits.

The first real paid porn job came about six months later. Freelance work had been really slow and I was behind on my rent and essentially willing to write anything to eat and not get evicted. I put the word out to my former clients and one of them said he knew a guy who was having trouble finding a decent writer for his new gay porn site. It turned out the dude was willing to pay four grand for about 20 pages of web copy which was really good money. The site became somewhat infamous when Rolling Stone Magazine did an article saying that the site was an example of the dangerous fetishes online. What's funny is that the fetish really isn't that bad considering what was out there. It was just guys getting off on the idea of not wearing condoms which is, I think, a pretty universal fantasy about dudes, whether they are gay, straight, or bi.

3. Can you tell us about a few interesting clients?

I've had a lot of interesting clients. My strangest one was a woman who was trying to sell a book about how to be an escort and make a lot of money without actually ever fucking the guys. Her essential advice was to show up with a bodyguard, get the money up front and then when the guy asked for sex say “hey, that's illegal” and then leave in a huff. I can't imagine that that would work that well in the real world.

I've done several guides on “how to meet and treat escorts.” These were essentially for escort services or directories who thought they might be able to drum up more business if guys didn't feel weird or self conscious the first time they thought to go to an escort. So half the guides end up saying in several different ways “dude, lots of guys buy escorts, it doesn't make you a loser.” But then the rest of the guide is always stuff saying “Remember, escorts are human beings. They can say no. You shouldn't beat them up. They are someone's daughter. And you better tip them if they do a good job.” Stretching those two essential messages out to 50 pages can be a bit of a challenge.

I really find the female escorts I've worked for to be really interesting. Most of them are really normal girls when I'm talking to them online and they seem to react really positively to me because I'm not perving on them. It's just a job to me. But it can be disconcerting, however, when I'm talking online or on IM to a really cool laid back girl for a couple hours and then have to sit back and write that she will “suck your cock and make you cum back for more!” Because I've been relating to them as a human being, but now when I write I have to switch gears and objectify them, because that's the job.

I have one gay client who likes to travel around the world to meet guys. I can always tell when he's found a new boyfriend in some exotic locale, because suddenly he wants me to write a bunch of ads for male escorts in that city, because one of the ways he makes money is through male escorts and he seems to have a talent for hooking up with them and setting up deals where he makes money by finding them clients. So, when he suddenly needs a bunch of ads for Brazilian escorts, I know he has a new boyfriend in Rio. A few months later when he suddenly wants Bangcock ads, I know he has a Thai lover.

4. What’s a typical work process for you? What kind of guidelines do you get from clients, etc.?

My main deal is to listen to what they want. Everything is so fetish oriented in the adult industry that it's often very specific. Then I google search for similar sites and see how they are doing it. Then I'll go to asstr.org, which is the biggest written porn warehouse in the world and do a search for that fetish in their stories. Once I read 20 or so stories about that fetish I learn what the slang terms are, and have a fairly good sense of what the guys who are into that fetish are looking for. Then I sit back and try to write out the taglines and jokes first and run them by my girlfriend. If I can get her to laugh, then I know I'm on the right track.

My favorite tag/joke so far was about three years ago when a guy wanted a site for guys who were turned on by the Iraqi prison photos and had a fetish for fucking Iraqi soldiers. I came up with “They Already Hate Bush. Make Them Love Dick.”

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5. Have you ever been totally embarassed to write something?

There have been jobs I've refused. I won't write necro or K9 stuff. I think the dead should be left alone and I don't think dogs can reasonably give consent. I do get annoyed when clients tell me to write in a “feminine voice” when what they really mean is “Don't use words like cock or fuck.” Real women use dirty words all the time, so I'm not sure why there is this pretense that something is more feminine simply because it uses dumb euphemisms. Writing “His swelling manhood ravaged my body and soul” is pretty embarrassing when what I'd rather write is “His big dick fucked the shit out of me.”

6. How do you psych yourself for writing porn? Do you ever get aroused?

Sometimes I get turned on, but mostly not. In general it's just a job. The times I've gotten turned on have been mostly when I've been writing the erotic fiction. Even though on the page I'm writing about two guys, in the back of my mind I'm thinking of the “bottom” as a woman and imagining fucking her. If the client wants a fantasy scenario that is close to what I like to do in bed it's easier for me to get aroused. When I was writing about the college guy's first sexual experiences with gay sex, I was picturing Parker Posey in my mind and got a few hardons.

7. Are you ever secretly judging or looking down on your clients?

No. Why would I? They are just business people trying to make money online the same way I am. If anything I like my porn clients more than my straight clients. They pay better money and are generally better about paying. I rarely have to hound them to honor my invoices. While a lot of “corporate” clients make you wait two to four weeks to get paid, porn people always seem to pay you in a day or two. Particularly the escorts. They seem to have a firm grasp on the value of money and the importance of getting paid. I suspect that's why I get a lot of referrals and repeat business, because I'm treating people with genuine respect, which I think can be rare in this industry.

8. How’s the money?

For the amount of time I put in it's pretty good. I'm not going to become rich doing this, but I also don't waste time at meetings, worry about kissing ass or any of the stuff people in “normal” jobs have to deal with on a regular basis. I don't usually get up before noon and I'm often done and out having a beer with my friends by 6 or so.

9. What’s the best part about the job?

I get paid for essentially being a 12 year old boy telling dick jokes.


To hire Bart to write your tawdry text, email him at bcalendar@aim.com or contact him through his Elance.com profile.