In celebration of this nod from the noted sexpert (whose significance I explained to a friend by saying “she’s superfamous in sex pervert circles), I decided to post another Top 10 List. But it’s a Monday, and I’m feeling more grouchy than salacious, so instead of sex you get PAIN.
In the far-far away where I’m from, one of the many ways we display our whitetrashiness (other than proudly brandishing our Big Gulp sodas) is by giving each other drunken underage tattoos. True story: my best friend from junior high let some drunk guy at a party tattoo “Monsta Mack” on the small of her back.
I somehow escaped my formative years unscathed by lopsided hearts or stars; all my tattoos were done by licensed professionals. But since I recently started saving up for a half-sleeve, I’m ready to reflect on how bad it could have been.
I know some of these are obvious, but their continued ubiquity makes me think that some people are still not getting the fucking memo. Why are people still getting tattoos that are so bad they’re considered clichés?
The Top 10 Lamest Tattoos
10. Tit rose
The tit rose is like the car on cinderblocks in the front yard that is your chest. Nothing screams “trashy old whore” like a romantic symbol of love smacked onto one of your funbags. Trashy old whore can be a great look if it’s what you’re going for, just be aware that getting a rose tattooed on your tit will make it happen.
9. Tramp stamp
Look, I get it. The lower back is a sexy part of the body. I understand the impulse to get a tattoo on the wide expanse of creamy skin peeking out from over the waistband of your lowrise jeans. But once the expression entered the style guide at all major men’s magazines, it stopped being a viable tattoo option. The only acceptable lower back tattoo to get at this point is an actual stamp reading “TRAMP” or a drawing of a target or something. Then you go from looking like a slut to looking like a funny slut.
8. Anything utilizing a body part
I can still appreciate the simple charm of the mermaid that wriggles when you flex a bicep, but for the most part any tattoo that works in tandem with a part of your body as a sort of visual pun is out. So if your asshole doubles as the mouth of your tattoo, or a cute cartoon cow is grazing at your pubic hair, you are a fucking ridiculous person.
7. Cartoon characters
I am kind of anti-cartoon. I’ll indulge in the nostalgia of watching cartoons from my childhood, but I’m not into the phenomenon of adults without kids going to see the latest baby movies like Ratatouille and Shrek XXV. So I’m WAY not into actually getting a character from a cartoon tattooed onto your body. And a result of growing up in a place where they are considered haute couture, I HATE HATE HATE Looney Tunes. The only thing trashier than wearing the Tasmanian Devil on your oversized T-shirt and no bra at Wal-Mart at 2 am is choosing to permanently embed him in your skin.
6. Chinese characters
Played. If you must represent Chinese culture on your body, why not get something universally relatable like a delicious fried wonton?
5. Dolphins/ Butterflies
Hey, the 90s called, it wants its tattoos back. Also, aren’t the Smashing Pumpkins good?
4. Tribal
You might as well just get a tattoo that says, “Hi, please let me date-rape you at my frat house to the sweet strains of the Dave Matthews Band.” I guess that would take up too much room.
3. Stars
Stars are cute and everything, it just seems like they’re more common than herpes. We’re talking about choosing to permanently alter your body with a piece of art that expresses your identity to the world. Can’t you take a few minutes to brainstorm with a notepad before you just say “Fuck it, gimme some stars”?
2. Words
This can go to one of two extremes: either the lone word curling cryptically across your skin (which, like, save it for your Livejournal) or a whole freakin’ novel. If I want to read, I’ll buy a book, not stare at your ass.
1. Neck tattoos
I’ll admit that these can look cool, but the thing about a neck tattoo is that you’re kind of saying, “I give up.” Sure, some people are lucky enough to be able to work in a creative field where nobody cares where they tattoo themselves, but most of us are effectively limiting our job options when we get a prominent tattoo that can’t be covered up unless you wear a turtleneck every day. Neck tattoos are a lifestyle choice. Plus, this guy's a douche:
72 comments:
He is a total douchenozzle.
I like word tattoos. But I also read the backs of cereal boxes.
I disagree that star tattoos are lame. Possibly, because I have a row of stars going down my back...But otherwise, I am total agreement. I think the tramp stamp is just the female version of the tribal. I also hate "hippie paraphenalia" tattoos, like mushrooms or marijuana.
You nailed em all!
i despise it when people jump on the "tramp stamp" judging bandwagon. admittedly, i'm an interested party - i have one. but having a 'tramp stamp' allows me to speak from personal experience as to why this judgment is not only at times in err, but also infuriating:
1) i got my 'tramp stamp' back in the mid-90's, looooong before it was assigned this status in the cultural lexicon.
2) contrary to your assertion, i chose that part of my body not because it was sexy but because it was the only location in which i was (a) unlikely to gain weight and (b) able to, for the most part, keep hidden in a myriad of future professional and social situations. (this, of course, was long before low-waisted jeans became the only style available for purchase).
now, on the basis of a tat i got many years before the attention whores even came of age, popular culture presumptively concludes that i am also a desperate attention whore with no personal sense of style. even worse, many people assume i must be "embarrassed" by the fact that i have this particular tat.
i am not.
What about... wings?
Von makes a good point. What about wings? Those suck.
Also, in response to the two posters who have defended their own tattoos that fall on the list... well, I have to say star tattoos are lamer than tramp stamps. I have never seen a creative, or even particularly striking, star tattoo. Tramp stamps can at least mean something.
anonymous:
You're grandfathered in. I just think it's weird that people continue to get them now that trampiness is the cultural association.
I agree with your list, but I'm not going to write off ALL cartoon tattoos. I love a lot of these here:
http://www.qwantz.com/tattoos/
But I read webcomics and I thought Ratatoullie was great, so what do I know?
I agree on pretty much all points. I do love text tattoos though, excluding words like "love" and "beauty" written in crummy cursive on the wrist. It's like kanji without the language barrier.
~Jocelyn
Spouse's name, like your girlfriend's or boyfriend's name too.
way to make me feel.....ashamed, oh wait i don't really care, but i do have to share that i have a tirbal looking lilly on my lower back, as well as starts on my left foot, and have arranged for a tri scalian on my neck..... so thats 4 of the rules...mmmm...
I have a word... and a star... on my left wrist, BUT they are done in blacklight ink, so they are only visible under a blacklight. Not trashy at work, but fun for play : )
I completely agree with all of these statements!
What's your take on the new trend of girls getting tattoos on the tops of their feet?
I dunno if tattoos need to have "meaning." In fact, it's one of the things I hate the most when people do ask about my tattoo. Do I need to have a deep meaning behind my tattoos to be interesting to look at? I have tattoos because they're aesthetically pleasing.
Permanent is a bad choice anyway. Duh. No matter what you think is funny, sexy, smart, pert, unique, daring, or eye-catching today, or better yet when you're a bit drunk tonight, it's going to wear (literally) on you.
To wit: The tattoo as a mode of glorious self-expression is, itself, a late-90s trend that's wearing thin. Isn't it? So, uh, your glorious artistic vision is just a rapidly shriveling pop trend.
He's a megadouche. One might even call him a choad.
Thank you, Anonymous 1:06!
I have a small-of-back tattoo from the mid-90's as well. I refuse to say "tramp stamp", damn it. It's also not a decorative scroll, which was my first association with the term.
As for words, I have some small ones around my wrist. They're not really for anyone else, though. Even though sometimes cute people grab my wrist to read it, and that's fine with me, too.
I'm new to your blog, CCG, and it's fantastic.
-- Hypatia
CCG, you are awesome when you're grouchy :)
Scott
Well, he is a douche, but I have neck tattoo that I love. It however, is on the back of neck, where long hair (which I don't currently have) or a suit collar can easily conceal it.
I am also considering a tattoo on my lower back, but it will be of the Buddha, which is hardly a trampy icon. Unless nothing says skanky like a role model for enlightenment.
I'll also have stars in a future tattoo, but that'll be big spread of the solar system across my shoulders.
By and large I agree with your list, especially the kanji (I hope all those tattoos say "stupid white kid"), but there is room for flexibility and creativity even within the range of some really overplayed trends.
OMG!@ When does Shrek XXV come out?!@#%
I'm guessing that you and I grew uo in similar places/around the same kind of people. Mostly because I have an aunt that has a Tasmanian Devil tattoo on her tit. Yes, two strikes with one tattoo.
This post makes me a little sad, because when I started reading it I knew mine would inevitably show up. I do have a row of stars on my body. On the other hand, they're totally hidden virtually 100% of the time and meant something to me, so I don't take it too personally. Nautical stars, on the other hand, baffle me. How many teenage punks are sailors?
I'm curious CCG - what kinds of tattoos do you have? If you'd rather not say because of confidentiality though, I understand.
Personally, I broke some of the rules lol. I have a Kanji tattoo on the lower left side of my body that means "Dance" (I made sure to verify it on numerous websites first!) I chose it because I was a classical dancer for 14 years.
My next two tattoos are going to be a gladiola flower and either a king of hearts or a seashell ( to represent my grandparents)
I agree with most of your points here, CCG. Some tats are really annoying. I especially like your comment re: tribals, hahaha.
BUT, my star(s) tattoo does have meaning to me. It's actually five small stars (black outline) on the top of my left foot. They're in the form of the Southern Cross constellation, which is on the Australian flag. I got it when I returned to the US after a few months spent in Oz. It has meaning to me, but it's also inconspicuous.
I have to admit that I actually do find tramp stamps kind of hot. My last ex had one, but she got hers about 10 years ago.
I'd get one, but I'm a slightly overweight male. It wouldn't be nearly as appealing on me as it was on her.
Tats are for sheeple.
Baaa
Great post. One of my hobbies is scoping out regrettable tattoos. A mid-30s overweight secretary at a place I used to work had a Mickey Mouse kicking a soccer ball tattooed on her ankle. It was kind of fuzzy. Priceless. Also, I think we're from the same white trash town...20 miles West of Nowhere?
To quote a friend of mine... "Seriously, what is it with hipsters and star tattoos?!?!?!?!" (she, for the record, is a hipster with a star tattoo)
I'm kind of sad that the lower back has been branded as a trampy place to get a tattoo, because it's one of the few viable options for me. I want to get my next (third) tattoo in a place where a) I won't gain or lose weight, b) I don't like to get hit (my masochism was a major downer for my desire to get a back piece), and c) I can cover it with minimal hassle.
Still, once I get the details worked out I'll probably do it anyway. The symmetry of what I want wouldn't work on my rib-cage.
Oh man... I have chinese writing on my wrist AND a tramp stamp (from 10 years ago, but I still like it).
I am not cool.
An arm tattoo is in the works, though. Maybe that'll make up for some lost cool points.
WTF. Jeffrey Sebelia is the shit.
I am now dying to see your tattoos. I expect nothing less than impossibly abstract images with manifold meanings.
Many of your tat critiques on this list were right on target, but you didn't share with us exactly what makes your body mods superior.
Please do.
Jeffrey is a major douche. Who else makes moms cry?
just out of curiosity since you're throwing out what you consider to be all the don'ts of the tattoo world, do you even have any?
I wouldn't a priori judge a tattoo because of the form (oh, except if it is a Chinese character and you're not Chinese). I'm not big on tattoos and I think that many of them are terrible. Many are ok, but there is rarely a tattoo that impresses me.
To comment on two things: *I like sentences - providing that are in the language the carrier speaks and in the letters he uses daily and also that they are not to long. *I also don't agree with you on so called tramp stamp. Ok, maybe it has different status here in Europe. But I like the place and like anonymous said you're unlikely to gain weight there and you can keep it hidden if you like. Especially if you're a woman who is planning to have children there are many places where your tattoo could get deformed.
And sorry, but I'm not big on women having tattooed arms.
"Then you go from looking like a slut to looking like a funny slut."
hahahaha :D
Thomas
/Norway
band tattoos irk me.
sure you like the band now but in a few years their musical genius will be gone and they will release shit albums and people will laugh at you.
I could have written this list, except for words, which I personally love as a tattoo. And I also love Jeffrey - and I'm not sorry for it!
Ok, I admit it, I was grouchy yesterday. Duh, there are exceptions to every rule! And I'm sure plenty of people would think my tattoos are lame. You'll notice I didn't list any rockabilly type tattoos like pinup girls and cherries...that's because I have a secret weakness for them, even though they're pretty unimaginative.
I think thoughtless tattoos are lame. The ones where you just walk into a tattoo shop, pick something off the wall (or pick whatever you can afford...cheap bastards), get it done and then show it off to your friends like, "ohhh I'm a rebel." The ones that have been thought out and have meaning for the person getting them is totally different. Those star tattoos might be on that person for a reason. The simplest images can mean something very important to them; ask. If they say, "cause my friends did," or "my guy/girl thinks they are hot," fine. They are lame.
I'm with the first anonymous poster who expressed their annoyance with the "tramp stamp" judging bandwagon. Tattoos are a personal thing - mine has a lot of meaning to me, and it's not something I just got in order to look "sexy" or to be trendy. It's on my lower back because I'm in law school, and it's still not socially acceptable for a lawyer to walk into court with a huge tattoo on their arm/leg. I needed a place that I could show off if I wanted to, but that could easily be covered by work clothes.
Who is anyone to judge how someone wants to personally express themselves anyway? Ugly tattoos don't hurt anyone except the person who has to live with them.
I've yet to have any ink embedded in my skin, but this list really bothers me. Sure, it's all cliched overdone stuff, but who are you (or anyone) to say what someone should or shouldn't have tattooed on their skin? Just because 349485709 other people have the same type of tattoo, it doesn't mean it can't be meaningful for at least one of them, who may have just happened to have chosen that image or location because that's what they wanted, not because it looked cool. Unless you ask the individual, you don't know the motive behind it. I could say one of the rules to owning a vagina is to not put it up for sale because that's just soooo sleezy, but that's just silly (especially in this venue), isn't it? It's no one's body but your own.
Oh, and stop with the "I had such-and-such before everyone else did." So what? Are you about to go get yours lasered off over it?
http://www1.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/1580172/2/istockphoto_1580172_mom_heart_tattoo.jpg
Personally, I think those are the worst. And yes, I've acutally seen guys with those tattoos before.
How can you not include the yin/yang?? UGH!
lol, the yin/yang! that's right there with the peace symbol.
or the "womyn" symbol in rainbow colors that some of my lesbian friends have gotten...
jane know:
It could have been a whole new category: Lilith Fair tattoos.
Well I have the tramp stamp, Chinese symbols, words and my ex had the next tattoo. Statistically speaking, I’m fired from getting any more tattoos…
Okay, agreed that these are BAD. But how about some good tattoos/areas for tattoos? Anyone have ideas for a top 5 list?
first time commenter / long time reader holleration...
good post. i agree with most of your list, but i also go by the "do whatever you want if you like it, and if people are gonna make fun of you, they would have found something else to make fun of you about anyway" routine.
that said...
i LOVE script. as long as it's done by someone who KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE DOING. i have a half-sleeve on my left arm, all in french, that was done completely by hand (no stencils). i love it, everyone else loves it, and anyone who hates it can eat a dick.
(if you're clever enough or bored enough, you can find pix of it all over the interwebs.)
my first tattoo was indeed in chinese, on my right arm. do i regret it? hell yes! i think it's stupid. however...i got it before they were the rage, and i knew what i wanted and had a dictionary editor do the characters and passed it to a handful of chinese speakers i know for clarification before i even made an appointment. and the artist who ended up inking it for me is highly skilled.
but...i hate it because everyone has chinese now, and it's also in a spot where i want another half sleeve.
clever cover-up work to come in 2008, no doubt.
keep up the awesome writing.
I have a tribal on my lower back... and I got it 8 years ago. God I'm old. Anyway-- I still LOVE it. And it has no meaning-- I got it because I thought it was pretty and I like my back. I picked it out from the wall in the tattoo place. It's just a little decoration to define my favorite part of my body.
Maybe I'm lame, but I'm happy.
I like your post! If one gets a tattoo it should be something unique and thought through, not just what's in at the moment.
I hate tramp stamps, also because in Germany in media they're called "as* antlers", which is so low language term that just strange people can be up into it...
I have a couple drunken underage safety pin tattoos. And they're both stars because I was too drunk and stupid to think of anything else.
i agree with everything you said with the exception of word tattoos.
1. you forgot barbed wire around-the-upper-arm tattoos. sigh.
2. i have a small tattoo of shooting stars on my foot, but there's reasoning behind it: the stars' colors are representative of my three closest friends, and stars were "my thing" in high school--i got the tat the summer after graduating, in part to mark the significance of moving onto the next chapter in my life. it's been 6 years, and i still look at those stars and smile.
...but, what i can say is, when i was in college, i hosted a prospective student who so adored my tattoo that she literally went out shortly after meeting me and got the exact tattoo (well, just about) on her foot, too. now that's just non-imaginative and, like, totally fucked up!
I have often wondered why people will permanently mark their bodies with "artwork" they would not for a moment hang on any wall of their home!
In addition, only the young can't imagine they will change in time. But imagine how cool your tattoos would look on an 85 year old today. Now, imagine that 85 year old being you in 50 to 60 years.
You nailed the ones I pretty much have seen EVERYWHERE.Come On people,can't you draw something unique and original? Watch Miami Ink or LA Ink,and you'll see a lot of idiots getting boring stuff.
By the way,I got a my tattoo in the early 80's,way before it was cool,and I designed it myself,and asked the guy to use a single needle so it would look more like fine lines.I was a punker,I'll amdit it!. Okay,I'll tell you what it is;it's a wolf skull.But it's not off of the wall,so,no one else has it. I felt I was part of the lone wolf club thing,and I still do,now.
Anytime,you have people all running out to buy the latest craze,people cash in on you guys!
I think you could expand this tattoo blog a bit more with people who wear large holes in their ears,(enlarge the holes)and over the top things like implants under the skin,so they will be more "daring" than the tattoo culture freaks. Now that seems to be taking hold,and it's kinda stupid. What next? Implant a computer sceen?
Jeffery is what we call a FAKE PUNKER or a poser.
I still don't know why people like tattoos in the first place. Human bodies are already perfect, why fuck them up with PERMANENT body art?
Never been to this blog before, but tattoos are so tacky. The "tramp stamp" might as well read:
"Yes, my father/uncle/brother got to me, and now the whole world is invited".
And no, there aren't exceptions.
Everyone is born with the same sense of self-appreciation, and once some mean old adult/older person takes that appreciation away, THERAPY is the path toward the nearest thing to recovery you'll ever know. Telling the whole world about YOUR personal woes at the grocery store is about as stupid as putting Colombian baseball scores on the front of Sports Illustrated: NOBODY CARES!
If I see you in a future life, or in a nursing home we share one day, one look at your horrific-looking old tattoo tells me I want nothing to do with you. Not because you weren't once a decent person, but because you made such a stupid choice with your ONLY body!!!
Find a therapist, recover from the past, and then reassess.
Don't you people ever stop to wonder why only sailors (who were often estranged from any family they had, and nearly always halfway around the world from them by choice) had tattoos thirty years ago?
Oh, yeah, and then there's Popeye, both a sailor and a cartoon. We all saw what his relationships were like.
Absolutely not, dude above me.
I'm sure there are plenty of people who get tattoos for attention or as an excuse to bore someone to tears with their life story...but that's not universally true.
I have multiple tattoos on my arms and legs. Each one is connected to an extrememly important time or event or person and they serve as a personal reminder of lessons I've learned, good and bad. I don't regret any of them, mainly because they are a part of me. That's the point of tattoos. They are not just pictures on your body. They are part of your body, for better or for worse.
I think my tattoos look great, and that doesn't hurt, but ocassionally I do wish they weren't so darn visible, only because I can't stand explaining their significance to people, especially strangers. Anyone who I am close to knows what they mean without asking. Anyone who isn't close gets canned one-line answer for each tat and nothing more. The way I see it, they're purely aesthetic for everyone but myself. Beyond that, people can mind their own business.
what i think is the dumbest tat ever is when you get SOMEONE ELSES NAME ON YOU!! ex: boyfriend, girlfriend, ect...
now i know some people have a R.I.P. tat of their mom or grandma or something and my 'tramp stamp' is my name lol but i digress.....im not ashamed either...i forget i have it 1/2 the time
I couldn't agree more with this post. Anyone older than 35 laughs at the styles they wore fifteen or twenty years ago.
Styles come and go. A tattoo is like buying a pair of "awesome" parachute pants in 1982, and then wearing them for the rest of your life.
My sister says that tattoos are emotional scars worn on the outside of the body.
Truthfully, are there ANY tattoos you do not find lame/trashy/overdone/slutty?
I doubt it.
#4 always makes me want to slap someone. Or celic knots.
There was a time in my life when I wouldn't even talk to "whore"
You changed that.
Thank you.
I am enlightened.
Ahhhh, i love it when people have all these opinions. It must be great to be perfect and judge others for what they have on their bodies. Although maybe im slightly biased as i have tribal, stars and celtic knots on my body lol.
sarah=exactly right
dude barbed wire is freakin douchetastic.
by the way whats up with the pumpkins hate thrown in there...ccg your shits weak... hahaha
I just discovered your blog yesterday. It's fun to read, I'm learning some stuff despite myself, and it's a huge relief to find someone online who knows what capital letters and periods are.
There was an episode of MASH where BJ was trying to talk Radar out of getting a tattoo. He said "Why would you want to put "art" on your skin that you wouldn't be caught dead hanging on your wall?" I thought it was a great quote, since the "artfulness" of the vast majority of tattooes I've seen is non-existent. They may have personal meaning to the wearer, but they are to art what amateur comic books are to literature.
A woman having a tattoo isn't a dealbreaker, but are there really people out there who think that covering up that creamy, smooth, beautiful female skin with a huge murky cartoon is an improvement? It baffles me. Especially with how murky and blah the colors always are, and how much worse they look as they age. They all seem to end up that dull blue that all the WW2 sailors used to have "MOM" done in. If I want to kiss paint, I'll buy a blow-up doll and save the price of dinner.
And for the lady who uses tattooes to remind herself of each time she screws up, have you considered a notebook? They're a lot less money, and it doesn't take a laser to throw them away. If you screw up often enough, there'll be nothing left of you but ink.
And if, as you say, you hate people asking about them, why would you get a second one that's visible? It seems contradictory to me to "express yourself" through tattooes (that you subject everyone around you to whenever you wear them uncovered), and then complain when they draw questions or remarks. Doesn't make sense.
Don't know if you still read the comments now that it looks like the blog is retired, but I thought you might be interested in this tattoo/novel project:
Ineradicable Stain.
It's this awesome lady writing a novel purely in the medium of tattoos - one word per volunteer participant, and only participants can receive the full text.
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