Sex Rulz!

You’ve probably all heard of “The Rules,” the kind of creepy/conservative snag-a-husband book that gives women a guidebook for dating.



Some of the rules include “Don’t accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday,” “Don’t call him and rarely return his calls,” and in a nod to modernity, “When using personal ads or dating services, place the ad and let him respond to you." I have to admit, these rules totally work despite their Steford-y implications. It has nothing to do with gender roles. It’s just human nature to be interested in those who are less interested in us; isn’t it ALWAYS the guys you have no interest in who are the most persistent? When someone we like seems to like us too much, we feel superior and lose respect for them, but when someone we like doesn’t like us enough we feel inferior and struggle for their affections. I’m all about utilizing that kind of ancient feminine voodoo magic. If your primary goal is to find a man to marry you (and you’re not too picky about who he is), I bet dollars to doughnuts that dating using The Rules will do the job.

People who don’t return calls, accept last-minute dates, or chase after love interests are usually independent, confident, and busy, which are good traits. The gross thing about the Rules is that instead of becoming independent, confident, and busy, Rules Girls just want to trick men into thinking they are while they’re actually sitting by the phone with a pint of B&J’s.

These are the authors. As a good feminist, I can’t bring myself to say anything too harsh about these women based just on appearances, but suffice it to say that I think one of them is really cute and the other…might be packing a penis.



But the real problem with the rules (besides some of the more personality-quashing suggestions like “Don’t be too funny” and “Men like women with long hair”) is that it presumes every woman is looking for the same thing. I’d like to write a new version, with rules that could snag you a particular kind of one-night stand or one of those over-the-top two-week romances you’re kind of embarrassed about afterward.

Recently one of my friends told me a story about a woman he slept with who prefaced their encounter with a disclaimer along the lines of: “Listen. I don’t swallow cum, don’t touch my feet, and I don’t like anyone touching my asshole.” In my opinion this chick is fucking crazy, and I can think of nothing less hot than laying down the law of the land before hopping in the sack, but it made me start thinking, “What are the sex rules?”

Mine would be as follows:

1. Don’t put your hand on the back of my head when I’m giving you head (unless it’s part of a role-playing scenario). I know how to do it! And you’ll know I know how to do it if you’ll give me a few seconds before you start pushing me around. Fellatio is an art to me – you wouldn’t go up to Picasso and start jerking his arm around on the easel, would you? If you offer instruction, do it verbally.

2. Don’t stop the action to say things like “What do you want?” or “What do you like?” I know this seems counterintuitive since guys are trying to be sensitive and caring about my sexual needs by asking me this, but it is a total buzzkill. It seems so aimless, like you were just wandering around my vagina and got confused, so you stopped to ask directions. Not to mention, it’s unorganic. I want you to do things that you like, just like I’m doing things that I like. If you tell me you really like having your balls licked and then I do it, is that as hot as if I just go down there and start lapping at them like a starving puppy because I am a total ball-loving slut?

3. If I specifically ask you to do something differently (e.g., I say “Harder,” when you pinch my nipples), YOU MUST DO IT. I am subject to this same law. And by doing it, I mean doing it for the duration of our encounter. You cannot pinch my nipples harder for a few seconds and then go back to the way you were doing it before. If I liked what you were doing, I wouldn’t have said anything. If I’m going down on you, and you say, “Use your hand,” that is one of the many clues I get into what makes you cum. And you can be damn sure I am going to integrate your stated preference into my bag of tricks. This may seem contradictory to Rule #2, but I’m talking about basic instructions here, not action-stopping interrogation sessions.

Of course, these rules are specific to me. A lot of girls like having their heads pushed down during oral and being asked what they like.

So are there universal do’s and don’t’s? What are the sex laws?