The Dewey Sexual System

One of my favorite drunken conversations, in addition to the ever popular “How old do you THINK I am?”, is the “types of hot” discussion. In reality it’s an unsubtle attempt to get objective male bystanders to help me classify myself.

I was a fat kid who used to come home from school, melt cheese on a plate, and eat it alone while watching “Head of the Class.” I created an imaginary boyfriend named Bruce and lifted straight out of the Sweet Valley High series, valiantly sticking to my story even when my one or two loser friends didn’t believe me. I had glasses, braces, and was a foot taller than most of the boys in my class. Although my developing jugs overshadowed my thicker waistline by my teen years, I never really stopped seeing myself as unattractive, even after I dropped 50 pounds and got contacts.

So while my obsession with knowing exactly where I fall on the scale of attractiveness can certainly be classified as shallow, it developed from a genuine inability to see myself objectively. I imagine that bystanders who observe me checking out my shape in every reflective surface I pass think that I’m very vain, but in actuality I’m very insecure; every time I pass a reflective store window I am afraid I will see that portly grade-schooler staring back.

Of course there’s no such thing as an objective evaluation of good looks – one man’s trash is another man’s treasure (I’ve known guys who were sexually attracted to Venus and Serena Williams, Supernanny Jo Frost, Ricki Lake, and Fran Drescher). I hate it when dudes trash a chick’s looks not just cause it’s sexist but because its unnecessary. If you like brown M&Ms, leave the blue ones on the counter and someone else will eat them. They’re not “gross,” they’re just not to your taste.

Still, I think there are certain genres of hot that we can all agree on:

There’s sweet and cute:





A subcategory of which is this scared little girl hot done by no one better than Fiona Apple:



Then, of course, hot and sexy:




Not to be confused with dirty hot, which is sort of only hot because the woman is so grotesque it laps back around to hot:



There’s quirky hot, which is easy to confuse when using celebrity examples, because many of the women nerdy guys think are quirky hot (Scarlett Johansson, Alyson Hannigan) are actually pretty conventionally hot:





A subcategory of quirky hot includes the lanky appeal of the supermodel:





Then there’s tough hot, which is really more about the accessories than anything else:





There are many other examples – white trash hot, girl next door, nerdy hot, elegant hot. Feel free to add more genres and subgenres or contest my classifications, but the point is that there are many different ways to be attractive, some of which appeal more to a certain kind of man than another. Part of my success as a callgirl, I think, is my ability to both pinpoint what kind of girl a man is attracted to and then mutate between those categories depending on his preference.

I can be attractive in a wholesome way for the guy who wants to sleep with a regular college girl. I can be cute and pretty in a sundress and bikini underwear for one guy, hot and sexy in 3-inch heels and a thong for another, and tough and quirky in fishnets and boyshorts for another. I can be a filthy cocksucking whore or a sweet little girl for Daddy. I can pick a niche and work it.

But I’m never sure which one is the real me, which may be why I end up asking guys on the next barstool over what they think.