Everybody Hates a Critic

I was walking down the street in the village when my cell phone rang. A nervous-sounding man asked for my ho name. This is an unusual occurence. If a girl's ad includes a phone number, it probably takes you straight to an agency, where you may or may not be able to make an appointment with that actual girl. Because I do not work for an agency, the only men who should have my phone number are men that I have given it to.

Now, it's possible that one of my regular clients could have passed my phone number along to a friend. This has happened before, although the client usually asks first if I mind. But I’m not a good phone person in the first place. I’m the sort of girl who writes down scripts for myself before making calls, and breathes a deep sigh of relief every time she gets the voicemail. So when faced with the mystery caller, I did the totally mature thing and hung up on him.

Back at home, I checked my email and found several emails from strange men. Since I delete my ads when I'm not scheduling, something was definitely fishier than a yeasty vag. I went into private dick mode and got one of the interested parties explained to me that someone had posted a review of me on a message board, along with my phone number and email address. After a moment of being completely panicked by the fact that my cell phone number was posted on a site identifying me as a prostitute, I contacted the administrator of the group and he agreed to remove my personal info.

He also sent me the full text of the review.

Everybody hates a critic. But imagine that instead of it being your hollandaise sauce or your wine selection that’s up for review, it was your hip-to-waist ratio and your handjob grip. That’s the surreal experience of getting your first escort “review.”

Reprinted for you with shitty spelling and grammar intact:

alright guys, i have the honor of posting the first review here...and she's a good one.

College Callgirl is about 24, and about 5'8" or taller. Not a pro as far as I can tell, and really sweet. Looks and acts like a girl you'dmeet at a party. I saw her post once on CL, but haven't seen her post since then. She only doesn outcall, and when she arrived, we began DFK* right away. She has delicious full lips. After a while, we got "comfortable" and it seemed if you are willing to pay, there's probably not much she won't do. I chose the bj and she really enjoys it and gets into it. she never looked at the time, never rushed. laid back and totally gfe. Decent body, but droopy boobs, which were disappointing to see on such a young good looking girl. but her nice alibaster skin and awesome attitude more than make up for that. her email is xxxxx and her tel is xxx xxx xxxx. She has a funny message on her voicemail that you should call and listen to even if you don't plan on seeing her. Do treat her nice, she's a keeper.

* I don't know what DFK is, but GFE is a "girlfriend experience," (i.e., relaxed and natural sex with kissing - the kind you'd have with a girlfriend.)

I was totally floored by the whole concept. I didn't even know I was up for review! Its like a visit from the health inspector for which I wasn't prepared. As previously mentioned, I always try to give a good performance, but had I known this client was the secret shopper of hookers, I would have let him use the employee bathroom and tried to upsell a combo.

The other strange thing is that it’s full of incorrect information. At the time of this review, I was 19 or 20 and I advertise myself as a college student, yet he said I was 24. Did he forget how old I was or just decide that I was lying? I’m also not 5’8, and the subject line referred to me as a “brunette,” which is also wrong. And its not as if he’s just guesstimating this stuff – nobody hires you to come over and have sex with them without a detailed listing of your height, weight, measurements, age, and hair color. I guess I have no right to complain, though – I honestly don’t even remember who this guy is.

I also like how he invites people to call and listen to my voice mail message. Yes, please ring my cell phone at all hours with no intention of hiring me for anything. I would be delighted to entertain you.

And while I know that review was pretty much a glowing one, the first time I read it all I saw was “droopy boobs.” First of all – fuck you, double D’s are heavy. They aren’t as perky as A cups, but isn’t that the great mammary trade-off? For the most part, real breast are either small and perky or large and hang a little lower. Secondly, my breasts have never in their history of breastiness been “disappointing to see.” When I take my shirt off, a chorus of angels sings as my luscious tits emanate a heavenly glow.

I mean, I know I’ m presenting myself as a sexual object for purchase and I guess these guys have a right to comparison shop, but the whole concept of a message board where lonely losers can evaluate the various attributes of the young beautiful girls who would only sleep with them for money is the same kind of icky as the Lane-Bryant-shopping masses of girls who flip through US Weekly and talk about how fat Drew Barrymore is getting. You can review a movie, you can review a CD, but can you review a person?

Even without remembering who he is, I know that if I wrote a review of him it would look like this:

He paid me.