I walked in a little hot and sweaty from the NYC weather. My satin tank top stuck to my torso, and I hoped my pussy didn't smell like sweat. The guy lived on Christopher St., which I thought was kind of weird for a red-blooded, hooker-hiring straight man. His apartment was messy and a little gross. I asked to use the restroom and the kitty litter scattered across the floor stuck to my heels.
I came out of the restroom ready to do my full-on schtick, having gotten used to all the chatty guys who want to hang out with me forever before getting down to some awkward, lackluster sex. I settle in, ask if I can smoke. He says yes, but two puffs in he starts rubbing me all over, then pushes me into a standing position facing away from him and pulls up my skirt.
"Let's see that ass."
He pushes me so that I'm bending over his coffee table in my heels and he starts licking my asshole and rubbing it with his thumb. I stub out my cigarette and he pulls me onto his lap facing outward. He pulls my tits out and starts rubbing them, shoves the other hand in my panties. For one of the few times in this job, I FELT like a hooker. Objectified, bossed around, it was just like the movies.
"On your knees." I suck him until he cums. 10 minutes (and a monologue about how his girlfriend won't give head) later he's ready to fuck me from behind (of course) in front of the mirror so he can see my tits bouncing. This is where it gets sketchy.
"I wanna fuck that ass," he says. This had been previously discussed and I had informed him that I don't do that. Anal sex is messy and potentially embarassing enough with someone you love, much less a stranger. I had assured him that I would do other things to make him feel good. ("I can do lots of other things to make you feel good" is the kind of cheesy thing you say when you're a hooker. )
"No," I say playfully, warning tones like a mother whose little boy is about to do something only mildly annoying.
"YES." He's on top of me from behind and I'm a little freaked cause I know my ass isn't going anywhere. He starts trying to shove it in. I keep up a steady chorus of "no"'s but don't pull out the big struggle because I'm not even sure he'll be able to get it in my ass anyway. He really starts pushing and I start to struggle. He puts his hand through my arm and holds me down, hand over my mouth.
"Shhh. Shhh. Relax. It will feel good. Shhh. Gimme a kiss" he reaches around to kiss my mouth as he thrusts it into my ass. I'm struggling, but I know there's not much I can do. I was more surprised and curious to see what would happen than upset. All the calls I've gone on and now I was actually in a shitty situation that I couldn't get out of. And this guy actually was actually delusional enough to feel he was entitled to fuck my ass while I begged him not to.
It didn't really hurt that bad. I would have bit him or kicked him in the balls or something if it had. I finally managed to twist around so that his dick popped out of my ass and I cajoled him into fucking my pussy instead. He pulled out his belt and started spanking me with it, talking dirty. Then he puts the thing around my neck. I knew I shouldn't let him, but my whore's intuition told me that the guy was a dirty pervert and an asshole but not a murderer or a psycho. I figured I was better off just going along with him than pissing him off.
He finished in my ass, while I continued to intersperse his thrusts with little "No," "no," NO's. I was just saying it at that point. I didn't really expect him to stop. This is how I have reacted to sexual danger every time I have encountered it in my life - with a series of unassertive refusals. I say "NO" but I don't kick, bite, or scream. I guess that when it comes right down to it, someone who sells her own body by the hour often feels she deserves what she gets.
My NOs are intellectual. I am refusing. This is not what I wanted. But at the same time, I will accept it. I am so scared of conflict I would rather let someone rape me than force them to stop.
When he finished and pulled off of me, he made some joke-y remark about how I wasn't as bad as his girlfriend. "She bites," he said.
I wanted to understand how he didn't realize that he had actually just done something to me against my will, that he wasn't entitled to do whatever he wanted just because I'm a prostitute, that the only thing deciding whether or not what he just did was rape was my choice between moral outrage and acceptance.
But I didn't choose outrage. I got up, got dressed, and left with my money.
61 comments:
For some reason I am heartbroken by the way you were treated. I can't fathom forcing myself onto another human being in the way that pervo forced himself onto you. There are so many sick motherfuckers in this world...take care of yourself CCG = )
"For some reason I am heartbroken by the way you were treated."
Ash, you are heartbroken cause she got forced-- just because you sell it doesn't mean you can't say no.
Sorry that that happened to you
girl, when bad things happen to me i like to think about how it could be worse, and this was bad but definitely could have been much, much worse. I wish i knew who this guy was so i could stomp his balls... or at least staple gun his ass shut.
I'm glad you came out of that okay. I guess your intuition was right - he wasn't looking to kill you - but it sounds like he routinely forces his girlfriend the same way. It's all awful. I can't believe someone would keep a guy like that for a boyfriend, a guy who repeatedly, basically, rapes her. But it comes back to saying "no," and then enforcing it - biting, kicking, or, in the girlfriend's case, actually leaving.
I feel like ash in louisiana. I'm 'similarally' heartbroken from reading what happens to you. Having lived a situation myself (even though nothing like yours), I understand the sad feeling that you keep from thinking back to that, how it still feels so real, yet in a different dimension (I like how you wrote the action in the present).
cheers... from one collegegirl to another...
Fuck him. You should figure out a way to let his girlfriend know he sees hookers. I'll bet you weren't the first he's done that to.
yes jaime, it's especially sad when you think he might treat his gfs like that. Let's hope not.
Yeah, its a really compromised position. He probably has done it before and since.
Wow, after reading and enjoying your blog since January, all of a sudden reality hits.
I read this and felt the surge of panic that you must have felt at that moment. There are men out there like that everywhere and most women have been unlucky enough to have encountered them, I know I have. I'm glad that you survived this one.
I think your fantasic and I love your honest, witty and slutty (takes one to know one) writings on life. Keep it up and please take care.
Heidi, Sydney Australia
(yep we are even reading you downunder)
What a complete wanker!
I understand completely how you reacted though - i've gotten out of a couple of rather nasty situations by remaining calm in that way, keeping it away from violence.
Don't for a minute believe that you deserved it on any level - but you did what you had to do. People who like that sort of thing but show no respect or courtesy towards the other person are animals who deserve things worse than i can articulate.
Take Care - RC X
This guy needs to be punished. Maybe go back again with some friends and a camera.
I suppose it could have been worse, he may have wanted Ass To Mouth.
Wow agreed! I didn't even think about that.
But I think slutmachine talks about ass to vag penetration in one of her blogs-- gives sick infections apparently.
Careful ladies!
You know, this is still rape and you can still report it to the police. They'll certainly side with you, even if you're completely honest about how you got into the situation (which you should be). Anyway, sorry that this happened.
Oh girl! I hate that this asshole had to take your rendesvous in that direction. Fkn Christopher Street...even if the dudes who live there are straight and loaded, they are still mostly freaks. Even when conducting my own adventures, I try to avoid that end of the hood, as I think that anyone with a serious perversion may be attracted to living there not only b/c of its existing reputation, but also feelings of sexual freedom that that street represents (tho it is obviously not indended to imply the freedom to forcibly ass fuck a sincerely unwilling partner).
Be safe and careful, and when a trick starts to turn like that - get the hell out. No use waiting to see where it goes. In a city full of horny men, that is one less fool you need to be dealing with, especially at the risk of your safety. We would all be devastated without you...
not quite the same, but ive had sex with guys before even though i said no and didnt want to do it. its an icky feeling.
Ick! Yup he's one of the ugly ones.
I'm sorry you had to go through that.
good for you for surviving first, getting your money, and getting the hell out of there. (I would have done the same)
take care of yourself babe.
Doesn't anyone think the world would be a better place if people actually reported things like this or made some effort to prevent them from happening again? Are we limited to agreeing that the guy is a scumbag, instead of helping out his future victims?
It drives me mad that men (no, sorry, some men) think they're entitled to do whatever the hell they want just because they're men. Do you think he even realised what he had just done was rape? Sometimes I wish I could take a knife to the balls of guys like this one.
Everytime I encounter a jerk, I report him to Dangerzone411.com. (I don't work for them!) It sends out alerts to escorts in your area to other women can avoid them.
What a moron - I'm so sorry that happened.
You haven't posted in about three days. I hope that you're OK.
Choose outrage. You deserve it.
you and I are in the same line of work and I pray everyday that my clients continue to behave -
there is a great ladies board
dangerzone411~dot~com
lets not let him do this to other working girls
I think it's great that there is this dangerzone411 site...
On the other side, I understand that you made that choice of just letting it go. It's sometimes easier to cope that way.
The problem in this situation is that his attitude is clearly deviant and criminal in a deep deranged-have-done-this-before way. Scary!
What college do you go to? Jesus, you really don't seem especially bright at all.
I know two women who are high-end escorts and they're all a lot smarter about avoiding psychos like this and they're smart enough to not discuss anything sexual over the phone in case the guy is a COP.
Of course you didn't deserve what happened, but if you were truly that blase about it, I worry for you.
It makes me really sad how passively you accept this -- your "oh well" response kind of plays into what a lot of men think about sex, "shes saying no, but she doesn't mind, really." I am completely sympathetic to you, but urge you to reconsider how you are mentally and emotionally processing this...
You have a right to be enraged, and every right to contact the police. I'm sorry.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I've been in situations quite similar to this and there is NEVER a reason or cause for these things to be deserved. Definitely report him to that site. That passive, powerless feeling is such a hard thing to forget and I hope that in the end, it's something that makes you stronger. Take care of yourself...
I am very sorry that this happened to you.
However, and I don't wish to add insult to injury, I have to agree with a previous poster that you seem extremely passive about the poor way in which you were treated. Do you want this to happen again? Yes or no? Then you need to learn to assert your personal boundaries. If you do not, you will be subjected to this kind of treatment over and over again.
Do you screen your clients? Do you belong to any sex worker bulletin boards or associations?
Feel free to get in touch with me privately (or not - it's your choice). But I'd suggest at the very least that you see your gynecologist for a course of antibiotics. From your description it sounds like you went directly from anal sex to vaginal sex without a change in condoms. The many organisms present in fecal matter cause infections in the vagina.
So what are your hourly rates?
First: that sucks and no one deserves that, no matter how much you sell your body for.
Second: now that you've been gawked...those producers at Law and Order will certainly be right around the corner...so, if you sell your experiences, sell big.
I don't want to be too harsh but if you are fucking going to continue to fuck for cash at least seek out some professional help. Yes, blogging is cathartic but what happened to you could have been worse, although I don't know how some dude ramming his cock in your ass is a walk in the park. If you read these words--stop and think about one thing.
What if he had a huge cock?
You sounded very nonchalant when you said you were more surprised than angry. WTF? How many poor workers are now going to suffer anal rape because a few johns will read this and think,"wow, I can just ass fuck some whore and not pay extra, not risk my eyes ripped out of my skull and not risk jail."
If he had a big dick you might be in the hospital. My mom is a nurse and she told me the story of this poor girl who's asshole was ripped out by her drunk, well endowed boyfriend, she said no and he just ripped her asshole out. They had to DO A TEMPORARY COLOSTOMY BAG WHILE SHE HEALED. Yeah, your attitude is fine right now, but think about blogging after you came back from the hospital, down your 3 percocets because the pain in your bleeding asshole makes your scream every waking moment, try not to think about the shit that is in the bag on your hip--anyway, I what would that blog read like?
So, chalk up your jaded, high heel clicking down the sidewalk soundtracked mindset to the fact that this RAPIST did not have a LARGE COCK.
Wake the fuck up and file a police report.
This is amazing in a really strange way. Long story short, when I was 14 I was raped when I put myself in a dangerous situation that I could not handle and I was alone with a guy 14 years my senior literally in the middle of nowhere. And I reacted much the same way you did, with resigned acceptance after saying "no."
The shitty part of this whole thing is that months later, when I finally got the nerve to tell a "trusted adult," she urged me to go to the rape crisis center. 'Those People' are the ones who made me feel raped more than the man who raped me. I was sitting there listening to someone tell me how I *should* feel and what I *should* have done instead of being listened to or her trying to get any insight at all into my unique situation and the way I chose to handle it.
And the only thing I could think while she was prattling on trying to force me to cry or some shit is that she was too fugly for anyone to want to fuck and that's probably how she ended up in this line of work.
same thing happened to me but with a friend. i said no but couldn't get out of it. it happened and it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would. i felt like shit because of a trusted friend's betrayal, (oddly not from the actual asshole-attack) but then i realized that he was the fucked up one, not me. never spoke to him again. there are tons of fucked up fuckers with some crazy shit going on in their heads...you just can't tell by looking at them. sometimes they even pass themselves off as your friends!
angelblues80 i had a simiar experience from the rape relief ppl made me feel like i had done something wrong and "what do you expect us to do?" attitude. but i get Confessions point. i was so shocked i "played dead" and waited for it to be over. i didnt fight. but i think thats why im alive today. sexual rage can turn deadly.
I understand your "blasé" attitude about something that would make you round up a posse if it had happened to, say, your best friend. The idea of sitting with what actually occured and letting it have its effect on you just might break your heart. Having read this, all of our hearts are breaking, too. I'm pretty sure you're tough enough to feel good 'n' shitty for a while instead of pretending like you're the one person in the history of recorded time to have been okay with being raped.
There is no woman in the history of this world who has felt "blase" or "nonchalant" about being raped. I certainly didn't intend to imply that I was the first one to feel that way.
What I was trying to do was be very honest about about the way that I have responded to sexual violence in my life - that I blame myself, that I think "I didn't fight hard enough." I don't want anyone to misinterpret my specific experience. Just because I chose acceptance doesn't mean I chose not to care. It meant I choose not to risky my safety by telling this guy what I thought of him; it means that I chose not to march my whore ass down to the police station and explain that while I was letting a guy pay me for sex he subjected me to a different kind of sex than I consented to.
Some of you can disagree with that choice, but please understand that my "inability to protect my personal boundaries" doesn't mean that I deserve what happened to me, and doesn't mean that I'm not devestated by it.
GET REVENGE. My mom got date raped when I was a child and she had some of her very large male friends come over to this guy's house afterwards abd scare the shit out of him by pretending to be mafia. They told him to leave town or say goodby to his kneecaps. And you know what? He did. And my mom felt a little better about the whole thing.
i feel heartbroken by more than this situation. get out of this business. there has to be another way.
As a feminist, I find this story to be upsetting, frustrating, and saddening. However, I find you're blog intriguing.
You cannot, however, fall into the mind set that you DESERVE any kind of treatment like that. Men have and always will think that women are here for their sexual pleasure, and that as women, it's our job to settle for that. I have no problems with you being a prostitute, it's the oldest profession there is. And in some ways, it can be empowering. You are making men pay for something that a woman can get at just about any time. It's ironic how nature/god/whoever made those things work out.
No one else can tell you what you should have done - you were responding in a way that fit the situation. When something like that occurs, self-preservation instincts kick in and guide your response. I do think that this guy deserves some trouble for what he did. You let him know the parameters, and he deliberately crossed the line. In fact, he probably chose you because you asserted that ass-fucking wasn't an option. This makes him a sick fuck. I think you should make his info public, if not on your blog, then in some other way.
You didn't deserve that kind of treatment. What I'm trying to make you understand is that you can choose not to risk your safety like that again by going about the business of hooking in a much smarter way.
But I get the sense from having read your blog in its entirety that you don't want advice; that you feel you're going to do it your way only. To which I say: don't be such a fucking undergraduate. Women have been doing this for thousands of years. Don't you think there's some accumulated peer knowledge there that could benefit you?
Just because I chose acceptance doesn't mean I chose not to care.
Be careful that you're not confusing acceptance with numbness - my own experience tells me it's easy to do.
You know, this post nearly made me cry because it explained to me how I myself have reacted (or not reacted) and thus "let" happen to myself during work. It's really hard to reconsile with basically having let yourself get anally raped just because I was working. Somehow I felt incapable of taking that stand of not accepting it, even though that would have been perfectly within my rights. I hope I never have such a booking again, but if I do, I hope I do kick the asshole. I hope you do the same. (Let's hope no-one has a rage issue though...that is the scary part I guess, like you said, we can't know if that'll trigger something worse).
First-time caller.
I'm an experienced whore, and I completely understand your response to this situation. I think on some primal level, passivity can be our best defense to a dangerous situation. While hand-to-hand combat might be cinematic and glorious, the reality is that some men will simply lose their shit if you jar them loose of their fantasy. Most of us are incapable of matching men in a physical fight. Passivity can be an effective defense at defusing a bad situation, or at preventing a violent situation from escalating.
My own strategy when I'm in that situation? I out-whore their fantasies and assert a dominant sexual position (most dominant men are easy to flip). It's also possible to confuse an overly aggressive client with sudden sexual aggression - that buys you time and leverage. But it takes practice.
I think I disagree with T.A.H. I do believe hooker resources are useful, but they can lead to a false sense of security. Same applies to screening methods. You want to screen well, but my feeling is that your instincts are the most important and effective. It's key to listen to your gut at all times. A few other things you can do:
- Remind yourself, consciously and repeatedly, that you can walk out at any time. If you feel threatened, sweetly excuse yourself to the restroom. Some recommend you lock yourself in the bathroom and call someone for help. I think it's safer to just leave. If he accosts you in the hall (presumably in an hotel), scream like a motherfucker.
- Have someone you can call. Ideally, have someone know where you are.
- Only meet men in hotels. Never meet them in their homes.
- Raise your rates. Wealthy men are still depraved, but you're more likely to meet them in expensive venues, which have better security.
- Never put yourself in a situation where you *need* the money. Don't need anything - always feel able to walk away.
On the surface, you can be sweet as sin, but be strict about your boundaries (at this stage, you're probably still learning where those boundaries are). It's okay to make a man earn the privilege of paying you. Know that.
It's awful to hear this happened to you. I appreciate how honestly you express yourself about such a difficult situation. It takes strength to be so open. Take care of yourself.
x,
jane.
Jane:
I really appreciate your sentiment. Thanks for the comment.
CCG
What other sexual danger have you found
yourself in?
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. You don't deserve this. Please take care of yourself and remember that no one has those rights over you.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. You don't deserve to be treated in that way. Hold up your head, girl-- you are far better than that piece of shit could ever be.
yes
By all means
Girls , when you have a dangerous client.. please join http://www.dangerzone411.com
Huge escort blacklist for many states across the nation.
I felt the need to say I feel sorry for what happened to you. It's why I'm against arresting prostitutes (even if I wish less women chose it as a profession); they're closer to being victims than the jons or the jons's wives.
I've have been reading your blog for a few days now, and just came across this post. Thank you for sharing it. I hope it helped you to write it. It seems that you know everything (that I might think) you need to know about this event in your life... that is became a rape the instant it turned into something you didn't want, that you didn't deserve it regardless of why you where there, and that you did what you needed to do to get out of there.
I fully respect your way of dealing with the impact this had had on your life, as well as the way you are dealing with other experiences with this kind of violence. As someone who works with survivors, I just want to say that dealing with these things on a purely rational level (which is the way I interpret what you've written) will probably only get you so far. There will likely be a point where your rational mind cannot help you feel any better about these rapes than you do right now.
If or when you get to that stoping point, you can stay there as long as you'd like. What ever the consequences of these harms are for you (nightmares, triggers, detachment, etc.), they will probably stick around or morph into other things just as bad. Sometimes worse, sometimes not as bad.
I hope you will then decide, eventually, that you want to deal with the impact these rapes have had on your entire self, including your emotional self, your spirit and your soul. If you choose to go there, it will help to have a friend. You don't have to do these things alone. I am biased towards a therapist or counselor (refered to you by a rape crisis center), but whatever works... spiritualists, friends, other sex workers who get it. Who ever you can trust. If you choose to go further with your healing, know that you can get to where you want to be. The road can be hell, but staying put can be just as much hell.
anonymous:
You are dead on. I am only now realizing in therapy that ever since the first instance of sexual assault in my life at 13, I have dealt with sexual violence on a purely rational basis and never really allowed myself to feel the impact of what happened to me. I appreciate your advice. :)
Wow,
I stumbled upon your blog (as much as you can stumble across a hyperlink...) and as with most blogs I read, felt envious at the writing style and the associated intelligence that appears to ooze from the words used.
And then I hit "The Bad and the Ugly"...
I think it's fair to say I've never felt so deeply affected by anything I've read on the 'Net - and I've read my fair share of things.
Only you can interpret your own feelings about what happened, despite the best intentions of others. Some of the comments annoyed me intensely!
Give yourself a hug from me and I'll be hoping for something *really* degrading to happen to the fuckwit you visited...
look. I'm a part time (ok, more than) call girl myself and my emotions reading this are horror. cold fear. sympathy. incomprehension. REALLY STRONG ANGER. I'm on cl, doing what you're doing, and if something like that happened to me it would hurt and it would hurt my head way worse. and that's why i'm mad. Men (and women, and coke addicted mice) are like dogs: every event that happens reinforces a behavior. if that guy does that to you and you don't immediately go for the twist and the protective stance, he thinks, ok, that worked. That works. I'm going to do that next time. and that next time might be me. and if i get the living shit beat out of me by some guy who rapes me anally on christopher street cause i struggle like crazy the whole time I'm going to blame you. although I'm going to have to get the blood off me first cause he won't be raping people anymore. the justice system doesn't usually have anything to do with the past. But it helps the future. you try to stop stuff like that and if the guy won't let you you report him so he can't do it the next time. sorry, but that's not negotiable to me.
"I am so scared of conflict I would rather let someone rape me than force them to stop."
I know what you mean.
Honey, just because you didn't show your outrage it hurt just as much. that's rape. it's rape even if you don't struggle, or bite, or yell or kick. you said no before, you said it during. I'm so sorry. The sooner you face it, the
sooner you can heal from it. Pretending it was fine, that you're fine, that it is over, tucking it deep down inside and saying it wasn't that bad when it was, will eat at you. Face it, wrestle with it. Kick its ass. and then finally move on.
What would be a nice payback is if you half-killed the guy after he pays you and then rob his ass off whatever else he had:-D
its funny that you dont seem to bothered about the whole incident, or should i say as bothered as you should be...you shouldn't have let that asshole fcuk you in the asshole.
Hey, I'm working my way through your blog ( My sister rec'd it to me) and have been enjoying what you have to say.
First, rock on for being (or have been) a big girl!
Second, what that guy did to you was rape. You probably already know this but even though I'm off the clock, I'll just say it. Rape is unwanted sexual contact. Even if you have given proir consent for a previous sex act it does not give him the right to stick his dick up your bum if you don't want it. and in my personal opinion, you did the right thing by stay calm. He was a prevy scum sucking perv.
I can't believe that fucking prick.
Gosh, I am so sorry that happened to you.
"Just because you sell it doesn't mean you can't say no" -Jew
I agree with that.
And then him saying that his girlfriend bites when he forces himself into her makes me even more pissed off.
That guy deserves to get the shit kicked out of him.
Fucking bastard.
I'm so, so sorry this happened to you, and I can relate. Something i have a hard time forgiving myself for is that when I was raped, at sixteen, I really just accepted it, feeling like there was nothing I could do even as I said no. I hope you are o.k.
shit. I don't know. there isn't much to say except remember that you own yourself.
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