Ho-llo!

There are not very many people who know. Only one person actually knows the whole truth. that I had sex with men for money.

My friend Z knows part of the truth. I told him that I got paid to have mutual masturbation sessions. I told him that I basically took my clothes off and talked dirty to guys while they jerked off. He thinks it's cool, actually, but I don't know what he'd think of the real truth.

I told my mother that I was walking a dog for extra cash. I had to tell her something when she noticed that I wasn't even taking out the (meager) amount of money she was putting in my account. I told my coworkers that I had a second job as a receptionist. And I told a lot of people I was a professional dominatrix. I don't know why I had to tell them anything---sometimes I was explaining why I had so much cash, but I really didn't have to. I guess I just wanted to tell some kind of half-truth about what I was doing.

It all started with money. The money I didn't have, the money I needed, and the money I wanted. It was growing into an obsession. I was living on the 100 dollars every 2 weeks that my mom was sending me and everywhere I looked were people with money. My classmates are these girls from other states who are basically playing in New York City and constantly regale me with tales of their Urban Outfitters purchases and say things like "Oh my god, I spent 150 dollars at the liquor store AGAIN!"

I was starting to HATE people with money. Just the sight of a shopping bag made filld me with jealousy and rage. Everywhere I looked I saw things I wanted, things I couldn't afford, things I was sure I would never be able to afford. It's one thing to be "poor," but it's another to know that when you run out of shampoo or have your period and have to buy tampons, that means that much less food money for the week. I couldn't take it anymore.

So I started my own business. 100 dollars for a protected handjob or blowjob, 150 for intercourse. 200 dollars for special services, like over an hour or roleplaying. Some of them paid me more just to be nice. Before long I realized I could raise my rates and still get business. Eventually I started making 2 or 300 dollars for 15 minutes of work.

When I reason it out I don't feel guilty about what I've done. I was having lots of casual sex before anyway. I would go out on a date and hook up with some guy and not even enjoy it that much. So why not get paid for what I was doing anyway? And I do feel like it's an honest living like any other, a service provided. The only thing that bothers me, when I think about it, is that now I have a secret so deep that I can never tell anyone. That someday I may have a lover or a soulmate, someone I want to share my life with. And I will never, ever be able to tell him.

And now you people know too.Well, there aren't any people reading this yet. But maybe there will be someday. A part of me is scared to put this out here, scared that someone from my "regular life" will connect it to me. But another part of me just has to tell about this. To tell someone these stories that are sometimes funny, annoying, outrageous, obnoxious, and painful. So here we go. Confessions of a College Callgirl.